Apparently you make a good broom.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
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The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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