I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
