Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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