Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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