Old men and throwing up are my life now.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Randomize
