did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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