Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
