i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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