If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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