dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
