I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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