Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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