just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
