Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
