I smell stomach acid.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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