You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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