My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
