bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He shit in the fireplace
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
