Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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