my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
