if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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