You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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