I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
