That's intense
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
