I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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