just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
