Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
