This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
