Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
