It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
