Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
