32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
