i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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