when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
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