Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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