The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
