in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
