please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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