oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
