i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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