happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
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So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
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There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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