I want to walk on stilts...naked
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
