remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He passed out mid-signature
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
