I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
