does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
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this hospital has no fireball
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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