i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
