i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
