I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
