I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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