after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
