I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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