So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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