I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
high people should be assigned attendants
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize