I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
