I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my shit smells like andre
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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