okay pat passed out under dana's car
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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