the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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