You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
