M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
